just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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