I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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