Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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