You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Randomize
