We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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