I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
