i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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