ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
