Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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