Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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