Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
