I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize