Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
