nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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