so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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