Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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