I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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