During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
