Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
