I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
