dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
