Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Randomize
