So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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