I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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