I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
