Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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