so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
