kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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