remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
