Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
