I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
