just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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