I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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