you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
