woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
