I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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