Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
