the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
