I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
