I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
