got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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