I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
