I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
