i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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