I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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