Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
