You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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