I'd wear matching sweaters with you
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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