Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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