so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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