she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
