Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
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