im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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