um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
