Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Randomize
