dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize
