Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
