Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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